Friday, December 4, 2009

Ups and Downs

The last few days have been such a roller coaster of emotions for me! I HATE feeling this way! I want to go back to the way I used to feel - level headed and non-emotional. I want to blame it on my thyroid problems - that's what my Dr. says is the reason. But I am starting to think that what is going on with me is way more than thyroid. I am starting to get REALLY scared that I am going to end up like my dad. Manic depressive with a touch of bi-polar. I don't EVER want to be like him and hurt the people that I love most over and over again. But yet, I am finding myself doing that. Shutting myself down and hurting on the inside and then becoming mean and spiteful on the outside and hurting those around me.

The other night I had a REALLY SUPER great talk with my bestest oldest longest distance friend. And she helped me so much! She listened to me cry and beat myself down, she gave me practical advice and also gave me lots of stuff to think about and then we ended it all with prayer. When we got off of the phone, I felt so light and had hope for the next day. I felt loved and that God really was near me.

The next day (yesterday) was one of the best days I have had for weeks. Anytime I started to think 'bad thoughts' I would just repeat 'I am the Daughter of God and HE loves me', I said that to myself over and over again all day long. and it really made a difference!

Then today happened. Got up at 6 am to get ready for work, make sure I had a clean new outfit and my gift for Holly's baby shower, took it all it to the car, started the car(cause it takes my vehicle 20 minutes literally before it even begins to feel warm)and went back inside to brush my teeth etc. 6:26 - head out to my car, try to open the door - locked. With the car running. With my ONLY set of keys inside the vehicle.
It took Rick 45 minutes to unlock with a hanger, I was an hour late for work and I made Rick late for work. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Are you guessing how I responded? I broke down, cried, beat myself up and apologized a million times to Rick. I kept trying to prepare myself for another 'bad day' at work and with my thoughts. But surprisingly it was a good day. I LOVE working with my kids at the daycare - all of them in all the classes. And today I just focused on loving them and not on me. Today was a very long day - with work, Sam's run on break, school run, play practice with my after school little ones, babysitting a 24 month old and a 4 month old, going to a shower (with the babies), being the main photographer and trying to be nice to people. Needless to say when I got home (to a whole houseful of people!) I was not in the mood to be around ANYBODY! So, I was rude to my in-laws, bro-in-law and my husband and walked straight upstairs to our room and shut the door to the world and just cried. Can I give you a reason for crying? Not really, just that I feel completely empty inside.

I have talked with my husband, apologized for being mean to him, had a nice little talk with him about some things that are bothering me. And yes, at this exact moment, I feel happy again. But who knows about tomorrow? I can only take things one day at a time. And I pray that I can get better. Soon.

P.S. Rick has found this site and told me some of the stories to show me that my life isn't really that bad. I think the site is hilarious! Not real sure how it is helping with me emotional sate. :0) Just the name of the site is bad - not all of the stories.

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