Saturday, April 17, 2010

Getting by . . .

This is me just typing and not truly thinking about what I am saying.
I have been horrible about getting back into blogging since I have been back in the States. But I have also been horrible about getting anything else done either. I have been struggling big time with 'sadness' (or what is probably truly depression but I don't want to be like my dad so I will NOT be going to the Dr. about it.) I get SO overwhelmed with what needs to be done - from big stuff all the way down to just getting laundry done. And I don't even have a house yet! I have no idea how I am going to be able to cope once we finally move in to our house.

I have 'melt downs' at least 4 or 5 times a week. And those are just the ones that Rick knows about. I have to talk myself out of panic attacks almost every day. I don't feel like I can keep going like this. I am so far out of touch with God that I don't even know where to start to get back with Him. I want to fell happy again and live a normal life. I want to finish this stupid schooling so that I don't let people down, I want to be caught up with all my Esther bible study and I want to be able to have time to work with my pictures and not miss all these great free coupons.

Work is starting to get o me. Not the kids or the hours - my c-workers! I think that it might be time o get a job with some men around. This all women work place just isn't working for me anymore. Some think they know it all, others just want to tattle on me because I am the directors daughter and shouldn't be able to get away with things that others aren't. I didn't know about the stupid new rule!!! I was out of the country for 4 weeks helping real hurting people!! I hate waking up every morning knowing I have to go to work I can not wait for Friday to get here anymore. I used not be like that. I never cared if it was the weekend or not. I enjoyed my job and didn't mind working. If I could run the whole daycare by myself - then life would be perfect. :0)
Or at least run my own class by myself and not with some know-it-all pushy lady who also goes to our church so I have to be nice. But I am fed up with her taking over MY class and on Monday - she better watch out! Who takes 11 5 year olds outside near trees and power lines to fly 4 kites?? That was the longest hour of my life!! I have never untangled more stings and kites than I did then. We lost 3 kites - one to a tree and 2 to the power line. I was hopping MAD when we went inside! No more letting her tell me what we can or can't do!

I will be ok. I make myself get out of bed everyday even though I want to stay and never get out again. I make myself act normal around people. I have no friends just to go to in person with my struggles. I have lots of people I could call. And I have tried to pick up the phone and call, but I start to shake which then leads to crying which then leads to not being able to breathe. So needless to say, I don't call and I just wait to break down when Ricks gets home. I will get over this funk. I just hope that it is soon.