Saturday, April 17, 2010

Getting by . . .

This is me just typing and not truly thinking about what I am saying.
I have been horrible about getting back into blogging since I have been back in the States. But I have also been horrible about getting anything else done either. I have been struggling big time with 'sadness' (or what is probably truly depression but I don't want to be like my dad so I will NOT be going to the Dr. about it.) I get SO overwhelmed with what needs to be done - from big stuff all the way down to just getting laundry done. And I don't even have a house yet! I have no idea how I am going to be able to cope once we finally move in to our house.

I have 'melt downs' at least 4 or 5 times a week. And those are just the ones that Rick knows about. I have to talk myself out of panic attacks almost every day. I don't feel like I can keep going like this. I am so far out of touch with God that I don't even know where to start to get back with Him. I want to fell happy again and live a normal life. I want to finish this stupid schooling so that I don't let people down, I want to be caught up with all my Esther bible study and I want to be able to have time to work with my pictures and not miss all these great free coupons.

Work is starting to get o me. Not the kids or the hours - my c-workers! I think that it might be time o get a job with some men around. This all women work place just isn't working for me anymore. Some think they know it all, others just want to tattle on me because I am the directors daughter and shouldn't be able to get away with things that others aren't. I didn't know about the stupid new rule!!! I was out of the country for 4 weeks helping real hurting people!! I hate waking up every morning knowing I have to go to work I can not wait for Friday to get here anymore. I used not be like that. I never cared if it was the weekend or not. I enjoyed my job and didn't mind working. If I could run the whole daycare by myself - then life would be perfect. :0)
Or at least run my own class by myself and not with some know-it-all pushy lady who also goes to our church so I have to be nice. But I am fed up with her taking over MY class and on Monday - she better watch out! Who takes 11 5 year olds outside near trees and power lines to fly 4 kites?? That was the longest hour of my life!! I have never untangled more stings and kites than I did then. We lost 3 kites - one to a tree and 2 to the power line. I was hopping MAD when we went inside! No more letting her tell me what we can or can't do!

I will be ok. I make myself get out of bed everyday even though I want to stay and never get out again. I make myself act normal around people. I have no friends just to go to in person with my struggles. I have lots of people I could call. And I have tried to pick up the phone and call, but I start to shake which then leads to crying which then leads to not being able to breathe. So needless to say, I don't call and I just wait to break down when Ricks gets home. I will get over this funk. I just hope that it is soon.


  1. Oh Jules, I will be praying for you! I can't say I know what you are going through but one thing that has always helped me when feeling overwhelmed is making lists. Laundry, etc, writing it all down and then tackling one thing at a time until the list is all checked off. And definitely making time for prayer and studying God's word everyday; I don't always succeed there, but I can definitely tell the difference between days I do, and days I don't. I will be keeping you in my prayers and hope you start feeling better soon! Love you!

  2. hope you don't get to shakin' when you think about calling anyway and shake away..i don't mind :) love you...things will get better and settled at some point, i know they will...