Written March 14:
I have been back in the States for a month now. It has not been an easy month. This past trip to Haiti was life changing for me. I saw things that I pray I never see again. I heard stories that were heart breaking. I held babies with no one to love them.
When I was there I struggled with the question “Why God, why did you let this happen?’. I don’t have the answer; I didn’t know what to say to the people who had lost so much. All I could say was that God still loves them and He has a purpose even if we can’t see it right now.
Coming back was a real struggle for me. I didn’t want to go back to my normal everyday life again. I wanted to stay in Haiti and live and struggle just the same as the Haitian people. I wanted to show them that God still cars for them. I wanted to help feed and cloth and be there for the hurting. But I couldn’t. My time was up. I had to go back to my life and let someone else help my people.
I didn’t want to get back into my normal everyday routine. I didn’t want to eat 3 meals a day, take a shower everyday, have clothes to choose what to wear, drive a car, sleep in a safe house, go to work and make a paycheck. I didn’t want any of that! I wanted to go hungry, sleep outside, wear the same clothes for days on end and only bath once a week. Because at least I could relate and not feel guilty.
Our first day back in the States was a Sunday. Rick and I decided that we would skip Sunday school and just go to church (mainly because we didn’t get to bed till 2 am cause of delayed flights, but that is a whole other story). As we were getting ready neither one of us said much till the car ride to church. It was tough just getting ready for church. Rick took a hot shower and felt guilty, I started to eat some breakfast and felt guilty, I went to my closet to pick out some church clothes and felt guilty, and we got in our car and felt guilty. I had just left my dad and sister and they didn’t have any of that let alone the people that we were trying to help out! Going to service, seeing people with nice clothes on carrying around their coffee cups and acting like they care how your week went – made me cry. Sitting in our seats singing praise songs made me cry. Answering the question: “Did you have a good trip?” made me cry. Eating lunch at Shoney’s made me cry. It was the hardest day I have ever had. I wanted to get on a plane and go back that day!
But I couldn’t. God had placed me back in the States to tell others and make them aware of the need that is still in Haiti. I didn’t go back to work till Wednesday of that week because I wasn’t ready to talk to people about what I saw and felt. I wasn’t ready to answer: "Did you have a good time?" I wasn’t on vacation people! I spent lots of time in prayer with God trying to figure out what I needed to say and not get frustrated with stupid white people who know nothing about what it is like over there.
I know that my mission is to educate people and remind them of Haiti and not to let them forget how much help the people in Haiti need. Some days it is hard cause I forget about Haiti myself, work, marriage, buying a house, church activities – it all gets in the way just like Satan intends for it too. But I know Haiti stills needs God and Christians are going to be the only people left after all the other aid leaves the country. This is our time to step in and show them that God does love them and that He will take care of them!