Wow, I don't even know where to begin. This has been a crazy, emotional roller coaster over the last 48 hours. The earthquake in Haiti has shook up my whole family. We just sat in shock that first evening - waiting for news from our friends - American and Haitian. Wednesday morning, my dad announces that he is raising money and supplies and is leaving Monday. I am texting with Rick and I tell him about my dad. Rick asks if I am going with my dad. He didn't ask if I was thinking about going, just am I going? I had not voiced that I had been thinking about going and wondering what can I do to help my people. Kinda freaky - totally a God thing.
Since that point - I have said 'Yes I am going!' and then wavered and said 'no, maybe I will wait and go later'. I want to go and and I truly believe that God planted the idea in my head. But I am over-thinking the situation and letting Satan throw things at me. The finances have been totally covered for my dad and I to go. So that is no longer a worry. But I just wonder if my first language will come back to me as fast as I want and need it to. I keep praying that God will just unblock my mind and that I can start speaking creole again. So far it hasn't happened.
Lots of scenarios have been discussed - including Rick going down with us next week and Sarah and Joe come in a few weeks - to just Sarah, my dad and I going now and the guys coming later - back to just my dad and me. We have not booked our tickets yet - we are waiting on word about us going over with an organization (not sure who)and will be finalizing something by tomorrow and hopefully by then we will know who is going and who is coming later.
Last February, Rick and I attended the Campus ministry conference in Gatlinburg. The speaker talked on the book of Job. (I also think that I posted a video on my very first post from that weekend) The main point of the whole weekend was asking God to break you - but don't ask if you are not ready for what God is going to do. I took that message to heart and really prayed and thought about where I am in my Christian walk with God and I eventually did pray 'God, use me, break me, I want to become wholly yours'.
Nothing happened right away and I have honestly forgot that prayer. Until yesterday. Every time I would think about not going, the phrase 'break me Lord, break me for You' kept popping into my mind. I prayed for the Lord to use me and now I have the perfect opportunity to step out of my comfort zone and completely rely on God. And I am scared to death and just want to take back my prayer and tell God to get someone else.
Another phrase keeps coming back to me 'for such a time as this . . . ' I have often wondered and questioned God about why did I live in Haiti for 12 years and then just end up living in Charleston WV living the American way of life. Why did God let my family go through all that pain just to end up back in the USA? I think that maybe I have my answer - for a time such as this. I have the resources of knowing the language and being familiar with the culture and people. This is my time to use what I have to live for God the way that He has prepared me.
My stomach has been all queasy, and I haven't been eating much. All of my stressing out and over-thinking has given me a constant headache for the past 3 days. I am ready to just go - start helping and quit thinking - just do.
I truly believe that God is working in my life right now. I am excited to go back to my home country. I am also scared out of my mind.
Pray for me.