Positive or negetive?

Meet little David and his big sister Olguine. We meet them our second week in Haiti. They lost both of their parents in the earthquake and Joanne(a lady with our group) found a family in the USA who wants to adopt them. They stayed with us at our 'camp' the whole time Sarah and I were there. We all fell in love with little David and loved on him, played with him and help take of him. Both kids had a terrible cough that they couldn't seem to lose. Joanne gave them medicine and nothing seemed to help. She has finally found the problem. Here is the e-mail that Sarah, my dad and I received on Saturday:
"I just found out that David and Olguine both have TB. David's is in the tissue and Olguine's is in the lungs. I was tested too and am negative. Everyone should be tested who was around the kids when they were coughing. Sorry about the news, it is not likely that you caught it if I did not, but you should be checked out."

I am SO thankful they have finally found out what was wrong and they can now be treated! But now All of white people who played with them, ate with them, slept with them has to be tested for TB. We all went yesterday to get our little needle prick and we are now just waiting to see what to results will be on Thursday.

We found out that if you test to early after being exposed that you can test positive without really having TB. If we do test positive then we have to go and get chest ex-rays to see what those reveal.

None of us are really worried that we have it. If we do, then we do. It will just suck to have to take meds for a year, but oh well. I am only worried that if I do have it what it will mean for the daycare. I won't be able to work there or come anywhere near the daycare. And all the kids and parents will have to be told that they were exposed and go get tested. A mess that I am praying the daycare doesn't have to go through.

Getting by . . .

This is me just typing and not truly thinking about what I am saying.
I have been horrible about getting back into blogging since I have been back in the States. But I have also been horrible about getting anything else done either. I have been struggling big time with 'sadness' (or what is probably truly depression but I don't want to be like my dad so I will NOT be going to the Dr. about it.) I get SO overwhelmed with what needs to be done - from big stuff all the way down to just getting laundry done. And I don't even have a house yet! I have no idea how I am going to be able to cope once we finally move in to our house.

I have 'melt downs' at least 4 or 5 times a week. And those are just the ones that Rick knows about. I have to talk myself out of panic attacks almost every day. I don't feel like I can keep going like this. I am so far out of touch with God that I don't even know where to start to get back with Him. I want to fell happy again and live a normal life. I want to finish this stupid schooling so that I don't let people down, I want to be caught up with all my Esther bible study and I want to be able to have time to work with my pictures and not miss all these great free coupons.

Work is starting to get o me. Not the kids or the hours - my c-workers! I think that it might be time o get a job with some men around. This all women work place just isn't working for me anymore. Some think they know it all, others just want to tattle on me because I am the directors daughter and shouldn't be able to get away with things that others aren't. I didn't know about the stupid new rule!!! I was out of the country for 4 weeks helping real hurting people!! I hate waking up every morning knowing I have to go to work I can not wait for Friday to get here anymore. I used not be like that. I never cared if it was the weekend or not. I enjoyed my job and didn't mind working. If I could run the whole daycare by myself - then life would be perfect. :0)
Or at least run my own class by myself and not with some know-it-all pushy lady who also goes to our church so I have to be nice. But I am fed up with her taking over MY class and on Monday - she better watch out! Who takes 11 5 year olds outside near trees and power lines to fly 4 kites?? That was the longest hour of my life!! I have never untangled more stings and kites than I did then. We lost 3 kites - one to a tree and 2 to the power line. I was hopping MAD when we went inside! No more letting her tell me what we can or can't do!

I will be ok. I make myself get out of bed everyday even though I want to stay and never get out again. I make myself act normal around people. I have no friends just to go to in person with my struggles. I have lots of people I could call. And I have tried to pick up the phone and call, but I start to shake which then leads to crying which then leads to not being able to breathe. So needless to say, I don't call and I just wait to break down when Ricks gets home. I will get over this funk. I just hope that it is soon.

Culture Schock

Written March 14:

I have been back in the States for a month now. It has not been an easy month. This past trip to Haiti was life changing for me. I saw things that I pray I never see again. I heard stories that were heart breaking. I held babies with no one to love them.
When I was there I struggled with the question “Why God, why did you let this happen?’. I don’t have the answer; I didn’t know what to say to the people who had lost so much. All I could say was that God still loves them and He has a purpose even if we can’t see it right now.
Coming back was a real struggle for me. I didn’t want to go back to my normal everyday life again. I wanted to stay in Haiti and live and struggle just the same as the Haitian people. I wanted to show them that God still cars for them. I wanted to help feed and cloth and be there for the hurting. But I couldn’t. My time was up. I had to go back to my life and let someone else help my people.
I didn’t want to get back into my normal everyday routine. I didn’t want to eat 3 meals a day, take a shower everyday, have clothes to choose what to wear, drive a car, sleep in a safe house, go to work and make a paycheck. I didn’t want any of that! I wanted to go hungry, sleep outside, wear the same clothes for days on end and only bath once a week. Because at least I could relate and not feel guilty.

Our first day back in the States was a Sunday. Rick and I decided that we would skip Sunday school and just go to church (mainly because we didn’t get to bed till 2 am cause of delayed flights, but that is a whole other story). As we were getting ready neither one of us said much till the car ride to church. It was tough just getting ready for church. Rick took a hot shower and felt guilty, I started to eat some breakfast and felt guilty, I went to my closet to pick out some church clothes and felt guilty, and we got in our car and felt guilty. I had just left my dad and sister and they didn’t have any of that let alone the people that we were trying to help out! Going to service, seeing people with nice clothes on carrying around their coffee cups and acting like they care how your week went – made me cry. Sitting in our seats singing praise songs made me cry. Answering the question: “Did you have a good trip?” made me cry. Eating lunch at Shoney’s made me cry. It was the hardest day I have ever had. I wanted to get on a plane and go back that day!

But I couldn’t. God had placed me back in the States to tell others and make them aware of the need that is still in Haiti. I didn’t go back to work till Wednesday of that week because I wasn’t ready to talk to people about what I saw and felt. I wasn’t ready to answer: "Did you have a good time?" I wasn’t on vacation people! I spent lots of time in prayer with God trying to figure out what I needed to say and not get frustrated with stupid white people who know nothing about what it is like over there.

I know that my mission is to educate people and remind them of Haiti and not to let them forget how much help the people in Haiti need. Some days it is hard cause I forget about Haiti myself, work, marriage, buying a house, church activities – it all gets in the way just like Satan intends for it too. But I know Haiti stills needs God and Christians are going to be the only people left after all the other aid leaves the country. This is our time to step in and show them that God does love them and that He will take care of them!

Other Blog

I have created a new blog just for my trip into Haiti -

HandsforHaiti.blogspot.com/

I will update it whenever I get on the computer but I really have no idea when that will be or how often.

I will not be updating this blog until after I come back from Haiti - in 4-6 weeks.

Please continue to pray for me and my family.

Operation Haiti . . . . .

Wow, I don't even know where to begin. This has been a crazy, emotional roller coaster over the last 48 hours. The earthquake in Haiti has shook up my whole family. We just sat in shock that first evening - waiting for news from our friends - American and Haitian. Wednesday morning, my dad announces that he is raising money and supplies and is leaving Monday. I am texting with Rick and I tell him about my dad. Rick asks if I am going with my dad. He didn't ask if I was thinking about going, just am I going? I had not voiced that I had been thinking about going and wondering what can I do to help my people. Kinda freaky - totally a God thing.

Since that point - I have said 'Yes I am going!' and then wavered and said 'no, maybe I will wait and go later'. I want to go and and I truly believe that God planted the idea in my head. But I am over-thinking the situation and letting Satan throw things at me. The finances have been totally covered for my dad and I to go. So that is no longer a worry. But I just wonder if my first language will come back to me as fast as I want and need it to. I keep praying that God will just unblock my mind and that I can start speaking creole again. So far it hasn't happened.

Lots of scenarios have been discussed - including Rick going down with us next week and Sarah and Joe come in a few weeks - to just Sarah, my dad and I going now and the guys coming later - back to just my dad and me. We have not booked our tickets yet - we are waiting on word about us going over with an organization (not sure who)and will be finalizing something by tomorrow and hopefully by then we will know who is going and who is coming later.

Last February, Rick and I attended the Campus ministry conference in Gatlinburg. The speaker talked on the book of Job. (I also think that I posted a video on my very first post from that weekend) The main point of the whole weekend was asking God to break you - but don't ask if you are not ready for what God is going to do. I took that message to heart and really prayed and thought about where I am in my Christian walk with God and I eventually did pray 'God, use me, break me, I want to become wholly yours'.

Nothing happened right away and I have honestly forgot that prayer. Until yesterday. Every time I would think about not going, the phrase 'break me Lord, break me for You' kept popping into my mind. I prayed for the Lord to use me and now I have the perfect opportunity to step out of my comfort zone and completely rely on God. And I am scared to death and just want to take back my prayer and tell God to get someone else.

Another phrase keeps coming back to me 'for such a time as this . . . ' I have often wondered and questioned God about why did I live in Haiti for 12 years and then just end up living in Charleston WV living the American way of life. Why did God let my family go through all that pain just to end up back in the USA? I think that maybe I have my answer - for a time such as this. I have the resources of knowing the language and being familiar with the culture and people. This is my time to use what I have to live for God the way that He has prepared me.

My stomach has been all queasy, and I haven't been eating much. All of my stressing out and over-thinking has given me a constant headache for the past 3 days. I am ready to just go - start helping and quit thinking - just do.

I truly believe that God is working in my life right now. I am excited to go back to my home country. I am also scared out of my mind.

Pray for me.

Grandma Rodgers Update

Written by my mother-in-law:
Yesterday -
My mother passed her barium test today and can now start having pureed food. She has already had some applesauce and banana--this is the first step to getting her off the feeding tube. Also yesterday she sat on the side of the bed for quite a while (my dad's term) unassisted, and today she stood up for a few minutes with assistance.

She is in isolation, but she had the first test done today to see if she still has c-diff. She has to have 2 negatives before she can be out of isolation.

Today -
Mom's second c-diff test came back negitive so she no longer has to be in isolation. They took her to the shower and are scrubbing down her room. Great-Grandma will finally be able to go and visit her agian!

2010 . . . . so far

I have been meaning to blog for so long. I 'write' blogs in my head every day - sometimes twice a day! But they just never get typed and published. Oh Well, here is a quick run down of my life at the moment.

New Years was good. Busy with a youth group lock-in, football watching with Rick's family, and our last Christmas of the 2009 season with my Grandma Mehok and Aunt Shelia in Ohio.

I did not make any official New Years resolutions. Just a few of the same ol things, read my bible more, lose weight, be a better friend, etc. I have thought some about what this year will hold for me, and I have come up with a few things that I would like to see happen - but I always end my thoughts with a prayer to God that I know He is the one in control and things change all the stinking time that I am not even going to worry about it. My new motto this year - just take one day at a time. Just one day.

Rick and I are quickly approaching our first anniversay of marriage. Has it really only been one year? The thing I LOVE best about being married the the love of my life: falling asleep in his arms every night. Well, as long as I am not being long-distanced that night that is. :0)

Work is going good. I am still filling lots of shoes in all the class rooms and the office. Sometimes it can be stressful, but I love the change of routine. I worked with the school age a ton over Christmas break. Not my favorite age group. Ever. They drive me nuts! I have no patince for all of the tattling and fighting. I was SO happy when this past Monday the kids had to go back to school! And then, it has snowed every day this week and both Kanawha and Putnam Counties have had snow days or early out for chance of snow. And guess who gets to work with this kids when they are not in school? Yup, me. Today we had 35 kids total. That is a lot of dang kids! I had 2 of 'my' little boys duke out an argument that ended up a bloody nose from a punch to the face. I love my job. :-/

House news: we are at a slight standstill. The house needs a new roof and we are asking the seller to pay the whole cost. We still havent gotten an answer. I am honestly not stressing over it. If this is the house that God wants us to have then He will continue to open the doors. If not then He will close them at some point. I only wish I knew when I could get into the house to start painting. :0)

For my friends and prayer partners out there - I have not been feeling well the last few weeks. My mom is speculating that I have an ulcer - which could be true since I have had extreme heart burn, stress headaches, a 'burning' in my stomach and feeling nausious and just plain yucky. I have only thrown up once so far and I am watching what I eat very closy. I know that I probably should go to the DR. but with the new year starting, we have a new detuctable with our insurance. Which normally wouldn't be a big deal except that we have spent a lot of money with the house so far and will have to spend alot more in the weeks to come. So, I am holding off as long as I can and keep praying that God will heal me if this is the problem.